roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
