He asked me if I "almost moaned"
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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