i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
