and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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