I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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