I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
