I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
