im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
