Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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