Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
