I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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