her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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