is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
