well I can't set my house on fire every night
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
