My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
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