When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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