I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
