I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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