I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
