ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
