Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
