I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just saw a hot homeless man
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I touched a dick in church today
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
