even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
