Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
