i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
