The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
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