I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
