Pants 0. Shit 1.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
