So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
