I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
