My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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