Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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