You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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