I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
