my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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