She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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