I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
