i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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