I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.