look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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