she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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