i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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