So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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