Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
