my phone needs a breathalizer
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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