Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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