Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
