I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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