I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
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you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
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Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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