These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
