uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
