so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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