Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
