1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Randomize
