seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
