you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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