STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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