Apparently you make a good broom.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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